One of my biggest issues in life has been my fear of marriage to another human being. Now, admittedly, there are some insecurity issues involved with that, but I've also begun to discover an even greater root cause--lack of trust in God. This distrust is not out of purposeful defiance but more so sheer confusion as to what things I believe God can be trusted in. Theologically, the correct answer is "in all things!" Yet, personally, I had some doubts.
You see, as I accessed the sum of my experiences in life, the people that God had allowed to be involved with me, the things that have happened to me as a result, or saw happening to others, I realize I had some anger with God or at least have been unforgiving, lacking understanding of the negative things. In my head, God had failed to protect my heart from pain and my life from injury as well as others who I saw struggling. No one likes to experience pain and injury! I therefore had resolved to do "a better job" than God, by making a vow to shut out the potential for more hurt and pain that could be caused by having a significant other.
I realize this reflected a flaw in my image of God's character. God is the giver of all things GOOD. The negative did not come from God, but rather a result of sin and the devil's efforts in making our lives as human miserable. But why didn't God protect me! All these arrows He had the power to block! Then I realized, God has never promised an easy life. In fact, He has promised the exact opposite--trouble will come. But why does God allow it!!! Maybe for the same reason the verse continues, "but lo I am with you until the end of time." The joke has been, how we humans always turn to God in times of trouble. But really....it seems the joke was on us! God knew this fact already. Perhaps he has let a little discomfort come our way because He knew it would keep us close to Him or ignite a search for Him. A search for something good. Something perfect. Something that unfortunately can never be truly attained on this side of the earth unless we make it our mission to be with Him...forever! If you think about it, it sounds kind of like a desperate act of love. Yet God IS love indeed. He is full and overflowing with love for us! So. My imperfect life has been God's tool to keep my eyes focused on His perfect love.
That raises the question--Soooo do you want to get married now??? I laugh as I picture the many aunts and uncles, cousins and friends gleefully awaiting the answer to this question so they can emphatically pronounce, "See! I told you, you would change your mind!" Well.....you see, the answer is still a little bit more complicated than you would think.
What I'm coming to realize is that pain is probably one of those inescapable nuances of life. Married or single. The problem is with humans and they are everywhere!!! And they are imperfect. They are armed and capable of hurting regardless of how many boundaries and limitations you set in effort to keep them at distance. Even when it's not involving me--I hurt when others hurt! And did I mention that humans are everywhere, therefore unavoidable?! So pain is also unavoidable. So much for skipping out on marriage to avoid pain. That I see, is not the solution. So again, am I ready to race down the aisle to proclaim my "I dos"? Ha! Still not that simple. The next question in my ever complex mind is, if pain is present in marriage. And pain is present in singleness. Then WHAT oh pray tell, is the benefit of marriage! (Disregarding of course 18th century roles of men and women).
Two opposing theories are at hand here... Madea's "I can do bad all by myself!" or Luther Vandross' "I'd rather have bad times together than to have it easy apart..." Which is the best!? Which is the one I must attest!? Primarily, Madea's has been my personal motto. I definitely don't want no scally wag making my life unnecessarily hard for me. But what I had failed to realize...is the realization I am now coming to... Indeed I can do bad all by myself and there are times I WILL do bad even when alone. So then. What about Luther's ideology? Hmmm.... Well, while humans can be the medium of bad, they also are very capable of being mediums of good. I can definitely look back and thank the Lord because a lot of the good in my life has also been a result of the people in my life! It's funny aint it. Sometimes when life gets bad, it's nice to have someone there toughing it out with you. Not to mention the many virtues gained, developed and strengthened by dealing with people day to day. Even hard core rappers like T.I. recognize the benefits one can get from human beings as illustrated by his lyrics in his song, "Motivation": "Hating only adds fuel to my fire!...Suckers only make me better!"
I think marriage is a high calling. It is what you step into when you're ready to see more of God at work. In marriage, you learn, you grow, you're tested and challenged. Yet in marriage, you also experience love. Hopefully it's a twofold love- from your spouse as well as God. But if there be any chance you end up with an unloving spouse...well there it is again...more of an opportunity to search for God's love. To show God's love, and heck even to experience the love of God in the way He does when He is rejected by the people He laid His life down for.
Gahhhh! Gracious just say it already! You want to get married don't you!???...... Not so much. But not as least. You see, I believe there was something I got right during my time of fear- fear of the ungodly. I was afraid I would marry someone and they would turn out to be ungodly or worse yet- I could be the one ungodly, subjecting my poor spouse to harm! (There's that insecurity) By all means it's NEVER a good idea to get married to someone who is ungodly or even when you know you're not trying to be godly, but still hoping to reap the benefits of a godly union. Nevertheless, the answer is I am not seeking marriage, God has instead instructed me to seek Him. Seek His Godliness to be manifested in me. In this pursuit, who knows, God may present a godly man capable and willing to bring me good. Imperfect, but full of love. And how can one reject love! You see- imperfections can be overlooked through the eyes of love. This is one possibility. A different possibility may be that God agreed with my initial conviction to never get married. Perhaps my growth will come about on a solo journey. Knowing my imperfections, am tempted to say, it's probably best that way! But then again, knowing my perfections (the love of God within me!) I can only say God knows which way is the best way. I'm learning to trust in Him.
