The "M" word....marriage!

One of my biggest issues in life has been my fear of marriage to another human being. Now, admittedly, there are some insecurity issues involved with that, but I've also begun to discover an even greater root cause--lack of trust in God. This distrust is not out of purposeful defiance but more so sheer confusion as to what things I believe God can be trusted in. Theologically, the correct answer is "in all things!" Yet, personally, I had some doubts.

You see, as I accessed the sum of my experiences in life, the people that God had allowed to be involved with me, the things that have happened to me as a result, or saw happening to others,  I realize I had some anger with God or at least have been unforgiving, lacking understanding of the negative things. In my head, God had failed to protect my heart from pain and my life from injury as well as others who I saw struggling. No one likes to experience pain and injury! I therefore had resolved to do "a better job" than God, by making a vow to shut out the potential for more hurt and pain that could be caused by having a significant other.

 I realize this reflected a flaw in my image of God's character. God is the giver of all things GOOD. The negative did not come from God, but rather a result of sin and the devil's efforts in making our lives as human miserable. But why didn't God protect me! All these arrows He had the power to block! Then I realized, God has never promised an easy life. In fact, He has promised the exact opposite--trouble will come. But why does God allow it!!! Maybe for the same reason the verse continues, "but lo I am with you until the end of time." The joke has been, how we humans always turn to God in times of trouble. But really....it seems the joke was on us! God knew this fact already. Perhaps he has let a little discomfort come our way because He knew it would keep us close to Him or ignite a search for Him. A search for something good. Something perfect. Something that unfortunately can never be truly attained on this side of the earth unless we make it our mission to be with Him...forever! If you think about it, it sounds kind of like a desperate act of love. Yet God IS love indeed. He is full and overflowing with love for us! So. My imperfect life has been God's tool to keep my eyes focused on His perfect love.

That raises the question--Soooo do you want to get married now??? I laugh as I picture the many aunts and uncles, cousins and friends gleefully awaiting the answer to this question so they can emphatically pronounce, "See! I told you, you would change your mind!" Well.....you see, the answer is still a little bit more complicated than you would think.

What I'm coming to realize is that pain is probably one of those inescapable nuances of life. Married or single. The problem is with humans and they are everywhere!!! And they are imperfect. They are armed and capable of hurting regardless of how many boundaries and limitations you set in effort to keep them at distance. Even when it's not involving me--I hurt when others hurt! And did I mention that humans are everywhere, therefore unavoidable?! So pain is also unavoidable. So much for skipping out on marriage to avoid pain. That I see, is not the solution. So again, am I ready to race down the aisle to proclaim my "I dos"? Ha! Still not that simple. The next question in my ever complex mind is, if pain is present in marriage. And pain is present in singleness. Then WHAT oh pray tell, is the benefit of marriage! (Disregarding of course 18th century roles of men and women).

Two opposing theories are at hand here... Madea's "I can do bad all by myself!" or Luther Vandross' "I'd rather have bad times together than to have it easy apart..." Which is the best!? Which is the one  I must attest!? Primarily, Madea's has been my personal motto. I definitely don't want no scally wag making my life unnecessarily hard for me. But what I had failed to realize...is the realization I am now coming to... Indeed I can do bad all by myself and there are times I WILL do bad even when alone. So then. What about Luther's ideology? Hmmm.... Well, while humans can be the medium of bad, they also are very capable of being mediums of good. I can definitely look back and thank the Lord because a lot of the good in my life has also been a result of the people in my life! It's funny aint it. Sometimes when life gets bad, it's nice to have someone there toughing it out with you. Not to mention the many virtues gained, developed and strengthened by dealing with people day to day. Even hard core rappers like T.I. recognize the benefits one can get from human beings as illustrated by his lyrics in his song, "Motivation": "Hating only adds fuel to my fire!...Suckers only make me better!"

I think marriage is a high calling. It is what you step into when you're ready to see more of God at work. In marriage, you learn, you grow, you're tested and challenged. Yet in marriage, you also experience love. Hopefully it's a twofold love- from your spouse as well as God. But if there be any chance you end up with an unloving spouse...well there it is again...more of an opportunity to search for God's love. To show God's love, and heck even to experience the love of God in the way He does when He is rejected by the people He laid His life down for.

Gahhhh! Gracious just say it already! You want to get married don't you!???...... Not so much. But not as least. You see, I believe there was something I got right during my time of fear- fear of the ungodly. I was afraid I would marry someone and they would turn out to be ungodly or worse yet- I could be the one ungodly, subjecting my poor spouse to harm! (There's that insecurity) By all means it's NEVER a good idea to get married to someone who is ungodly or even when you know you're not trying to be godly, but still hoping to reap the benefits of a godly union. Nevertheless, the answer is I am not seeking marriage, God has instead instructed me to seek Him. Seek His Godliness to be manifested in me. In this pursuit, who knows, God may present a godly man capable and willing to bring me good. Imperfect, but full of love. And how can one reject love! You see- imperfections can be overlooked through the eyes of love. This is one possibility. A different possibility may be that God agreed with my initial conviction to never get married. Perhaps my growth will come about on a solo journey. Knowing my imperfections, am tempted to say, it's probably best that way! But then again, knowing my perfections (the love of God within me!) I can only say God knows which way is the best way. I'm learning to trust in Him.

Sex Education 101: Sex creates Babies.

Let's talk about sex baby! Lol yes it's a song but we literally are going to talk about sex. And babies. Because apparently some people in this world have forgotten that these two go together!  This has stemmed after reading this article:
 http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/desmond-hatchett-sets-record-30-children-11-women-article-1.1081531

I was amazed not shocked when I saw the recent headlines about the brother named Desmond Hatchett who had --count em!--30 KIDS!!! with....11 DIFFERENT BABY MOMMAS!!!! SMH. Look. Society has failed. Society has failed in raising smart, productive, responsible human beings. Why do I blame society? Because it is society that rejected religous moral standards to conduct behavior in our lives. It is society that said we don't need to be married to have sex. We don't need to have protection to have sex. We don't need to have a job, stable career, a functionally head on our shoulders that is capable of making intelligent decisions, capable of raising children...to have sex. Well society the verdict has arrived. This is evidence of your foolishness.

One thing that really annoys me is the fact that with the advancement of technology, people have released more and more of their personal responsibility mandate, instead, relying heavily on technology to cover their mistakes. This is evident in many areas that I will not go into at this time...but my point is, people have started to think that they are no longer expected to be responsible, make mature KNOWLEDGABLE decisions on account of existing technology. This is why you get people blaming a broken condom for getting pregnant. Uh duh. If a rocket can fail to launch obviously other technology is going to fail at some point or another. Also, the invention of technological abortion and medical interventions on STDS and HIV has pepertuated irresponsiblity. Now people do what they do because they figure whatever risk is associated with their actions can be taken care of later.

But there comes a time when stupid is no longer stupid but actual mental deficiency. How is it that after one baby that you didn't want you can still continue to have unprotected sex? How is it that after 2 babies (that you don't want!) you can still think about sex favorably? How is it that after 21 you are still going? To reach 30?????? Someone does not have all their marbles.

Don't even get me started on the women who would lay down with a brother of this caliber. What in their right mind told them that a man who got a gazillion other women pregnant and can't take care of all those children is ok to sleep with?? What told them that a man who has a minimum wage job and can't take care  of himself is ok  to risk having a child with???? Women do not give out your goodies to just anything!!!

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Words of wisdom from the Book of Life Matthew 7:6.

I feel as though someone forgot to tell these people that sex is connected to babies. When you have sex you can get pregnant!!!! So before you do, THINK! Do you want a baby? Are you READY, PREPARED, and ABLE to provide for that baby by yourself?? I think it should be a crime to have a baby you can't take care of. Now I am NOT talking about unfortunate circumstances happening after your pregnancy, but prehand knowledge of the inability to care economically, physically and emotionally for a child. This man asking for a break from child support is ridiculous. The women asking for child support from HIM is ridiculous.

I wish for a day when people would not depend on other things/people to cover their inadequacies but do what they have to inorder to prevent such inadequacies. This is a blanket statement. I am not against welfare but I am against created welfare states. Sometimes, yes- circumstances just don't work in your favor and lo and behold poverty afflicts.  Ok that's fine. But sometimes (and a lot of times this is!) people create their own state of poverty. STOP IT. Just stop.

Can YOU Stand the Rain..for YOU?

     Besides being one of my favorite all time jams this song really speaks an important message. It's only proper that the people we want in our lives are those that are down to stick it through with us, in all aspects of our journey. Those that can stand the rain. And you know, rightfully so. Nowhere in the Book of Life did it ever say our walk on earth would be easy. Infact-- on the contrary, we are guaranteed a hard and difficult existance, yes with its ups but as well as those inevitable downs. That being said, this is isn't your typical "choose your friends wisely" post. You know this already. Today I would like to explore the subject of loyalty-- to self.

     How dedicated are you to yourself??? Your hopes, your dreams, beliefs, and inner being. Do you stick up for yourself in the midst of adversity? Do you encourage yourself to push on through the hard times in order to achieve those dreams in your heart? Do you light your own fire of hope or are you actually the one pouring water on your own flame? When your beliefs are tested do you stand firm by yourself ready to fight for what you know? Or do you push yourself over, bowing to others? The question I am asking here is can YOU stand the rain....for yourself???

     I have been so blessed to have the good Lord place some wonderful friends in my life that are there for me through thick and thin. They support my dreams, my aspirations and my purpose.They uplift me when I'm down. They are honest with me when I'm lying to myself.  They are there when I'm smart and they are still there when I'm doing stupid things. Granted, they don't hesitate to make me aware of my stupidity, but it's all done with and out of love. My friends can and have definately withstood the test of rain. So I asked myself, how about me? Unfortunately, this reflection revealed how I've often been that shady type of friend to myself.

     A song that at first listen I had fell in love with (love now revoked), is called "Me Myself and I" by Beyonce. In this song, she croones about how she has decided to be her own best friend because she knows that "I will never disappoint myself." So this is one of those songs with lyrics you immediately want to embrace because you so much want to believe it. Who wants to think that they ever fail themselves? We have exceptionally higher standards for ourselves regarding ourselves, because we KNOW ourselves, and are well acquainted with who we are. Therefore, we expect that we would never do anything to ourselves that would bring us harm. Think hard. Think again. This is a false and detrimentally deceitful ideology.

     Noone is perfect. Paul laments over this truth of the human condition when he pens,

"For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing." (Romans 7:19).

We are all failures. Noone is immune to making mistakes. OF COURSE we will disappoint ourselves! Over and over I have seen myself in that position where it's like, dang I definately knew better --but I did it anyway. Or maybe I didn't know, but the consequences still hurt and I have noone to blame but my own ignorance. At times like this the temptation is to derade myself. Admittedly, in the past I have insulted myself about how stupid I was or bad or incompetent. Yet as I now think about it, that is not the reaction I would expect from a friend. Good friends don't kick you when you are down, they stand by you and help lift you back up. If we can require that from another person why can't we demand the same from ourself? Whether we are excelling or failing it's important to stick by ourself in the same loving, supportive manner a good friend would.

 You must first learn to love and treat yourself with respect before others can learn how to love and respect you.

I have decided that YES, I Can  weather through my own storms. YES, I Can stand the rain FOR MYSELF. Can you?

5 Reasons NOT to Answer When He/She Calls

     In purposeful oblivion to the cheese that certainly drips from this choice of topic in an attempt to be relevant to this season of love (check the date)--- I will yet proceed. Because I know you, and I know that you need these reminders, now more than ever. Or more accurately, I know myself. When the stores turn pink, chocolate boxes make their planet invasion, and heart decorations are inescapable, it sure makes it hard to stay determined on your resolve to give a complete cold shoulder to HIM. (or HER, guys you're weak too!)

     You know who HIM or HER is. That guy/girl you reluctantly broke up with but you know it was for the best. Now all of a sudden because of the climate you are starting to think of him/her...Why was it you stopped talking to him/her??? Uh huh. Let's think.

#1. Because You're OVER.
I know it seems like an obvious fact that I don't need to remind you of. But I do. Sometimes we forget that we and that person are actually no more. Don't fantasize about the man or woman as if you still were a couple. That ship is sailed. Earth to person! Let's live in the realm of reality. Which brings me to...

#2. Because S/He's an EX.
You've heard it before: an ex-lover is an EX for a reason! Please don't be ditzy and do me a favor. Recount all those wonderful thousands of smart epiphanies you had as you realized why he/she was all wrong for you. If those reasons haven't changed then neither should your mind nor your actions (as in- staying away from him or her!).

#3. Because You're BUSY.
It's scientific fact. To get over something or someone- one needs to replace their space with another. So get up off your lamenting booty and relish in your hobbies. That way you just might miss that phone call when s/he attempts and you won't have to go through that "what do I do??" dilemna staring at your phone ringing because you are waaay too busy to notice anyway! I personally have school, work, and personal dreams that I'm chasing.

#4. Because S/he speaks Chinese. And you don't.
Or at least it seems like it. You know the communication problems you had. You say one thing s/he hears another and takes it running. S/he says something and inside you understand it as gibberish. Why. Why do you want to torment yourself? Even if you answer the phone you will just end up all frustrated and pissed because you could not have a straight conversation. Save your breath and ears for conversation that's meaningful.

#5. Because You KNOW ALREADY.
It was King Solomon who said "there is nothing new under the sun." And this is true. The number fifth reason (and ultimately the best reason!) is that you and dude/dudette have been through this before. You already know what they're going to say. You already know they say crazy things that are going to make you mad. You already know they don't really care about you, but more so for themself, and thus will make insensitive comments. You already know they also just might try to run that game of memory lane and "why don't we try it again". But you already know you don't want to do that. So then. Stupidity comes from going against *sensical knowledge. Don't be stupid. You already know.

*Yes i made this word up. So what go tell yo mama! It makes sense.

Alrighty Blogland Sweeties I leave you with an inspirational song to keep you focused during this desperate and ugly lonely time. Lol. You will make it. Don't turn back....The song is "I Won't Go Back." Love. it.

The F.O.R.T.'s Revelation

     She trembles with fear, excitement and anticipation. Can she actually do this??? Or the real question...Will anyone even give it attention??? In defiance to fear she clicks. Clicks. And clicks again. Ladies and gentleman she has done it. This lady has created her blog! [confetti in the air]..spread the word to yo mama!

image from  Hiring for Hope website

     Welcome to The F.O.R.T.!!! It is my pleasure to bring into existence a place that offers something so unique and rare that *look high and low* cannot be found anywhere else---my perspective!!! [insert thunderous clapping audience here] I cannot be anymore thrilled and frightened! to introduce and to share with you all my world-- you know, the one who's geographic location is My Mind. I cordially invite those living outside my world to enter mine and embark upon this journey of life with me. Let's figure this thang called life together.